where do I let the days go!?

seriously...  I had such high hopes of being a blogger.  of carving out a little bit of time each day to just let things flow from my overrevved mind onto the digital page.  alas I let life get so crazy that I often go days, even weeks without showing myself here.  I think about it but usually I have no computer on and don't really feel like going to one either.  I'm usually comfy, sitting on my couch or in my recliner, basking in the quiet that is the house once all the minions have given up the fight and gone to sleep.  yes, each one of my minions has their own brand of sleep fighting.  the girls talk and fight with each other for at least an hour each night.  the boys, well...  they're special.  sometimes the two year old goes nuts and attacks the seven year old for an hour.  more often though they both go right to sleep.  I like my boys.  my baby T also goes right to sleep.  I lay her in her bed, on her back like I'm supposed to, and she promptly flips to her belly , snuggles down and goes to sleep.  I hope she stays like that.  though I have to say, with knowing that one day she will join the other two girls, I doubt it.  obviously, only time will tell.

life is just moving so fast.  I barely have time to comprehend the newest thing when something else has come up.  we've got health woes, financial woes and emotional woes.  mixed into all that we have five beautiful children with their own unique personalities and quirks.  the baby is growing so fast.  she's almost four months old now.  she "talks" all the time, hates to lay down (prefers to be sitting up somewhere like in the high chair), is already in 9 month clothes and has a sense of humor.  well, okay, perhaps she doesn't have a sense of humor but she sure does laugh at me a lot.  all I have to do is look at her sometimes and she goes to laughing.  I didn't think I was that weird looking.  apparently I was mistaken.

we're making real progress on some things though.  we're almost done with resealing our roof.  yay for no leaks.  plus it a cool seal so it'll help with the electric too.  slowly but surely we're changing out all the outlets and switches in the house too.  we're going all cool with rocker switches.  I'm all about rocking out so rocker switches are the perfect addiction to our house, right?  we're getting close to getting our well fixed.  just a few steps away really.  we just need the weather to hold out so we can do what we need to.  one bad thing about the "Sunshine State" is the amount of rain we get in the summer.  it's insane!  pretty much weather is sunny in the morning, rain in the afternoon.  yeah, that sums it up right nicely.

also, I know it's summer but thanks to a crazy life, we're still in the middle of home schooling.  yeah.  I'm desperately trying to get my oldest to grasp her times tables.  it's not working really well.  then again, I never really learned them either.  I can wing my way with it by knowing some of them by heart but yeah, I'm not a math wiz by any means.  I hate math.  math was why I dropped out of college.  yes, it's that bad.  seriously, I fought an entire semester for a class.  I was tutored six days a week for a class I only went to three times a week.  I "passed" with a C but it wasn't enough to count for the credit.  I was going to have to retake it.  I said forget this and dropped out.  yes, I have issues and I'm okay with it.

ah...  there....  I've rambled.  nothing important but I rambled.

now back to lessons and gpting and cleaning and baking.  I love to bake.  I should probably share one of my new recipes soon.  probably.  not sure if I'll force myself to get around to it though.  I need a blog cheerleader or something to make myself care I guess.

Three Months!

my little baby T is three months old!  wanna take a guess as to how my Precious decided to mark the occasion?  by deciding that she now sleeps on her tummy.  that's right.  I lay her in her bed and she promptly rolls onto her tummy and goes to sleep.

this could really get interesting.  she's already a rebel and she's only three months old....

well okay then...

seriously we got it coming from all sides!  we live in a mobile home.  no, it's not in a park thankyouverymuch!  I'm much too sophisticated for that (stop laughing this instant!).  hubby being the awesome man that he is pulled the "skirting" down to take a look at the a/c duct work cause we think we might just have a leak (booo, hisss).  well, while he was down there he realized that our house is not set right.  the shims are out from most of the supports.  okay, for those of you that do not dwell in the mobile home lifestyle... a mobile home is like a shoebox, right?  well, pretend that under that shoebox is a support grid type thingie.  then stack up blocks to the support type thingie.  you're loving my technical terms, I can tell!  well, since the ground is not totally level and blocks are all one size, you end up having to put shims in to make up the space between the top block and the beam it's supposed to be supporting.  now you're wondering why this might be such a big deal, right?  well, think of it like this...  back to the shoebox m'kay?  stay with me...  I know what I'm talking about!  or not but seriously, stick with me.   so you have this shoebox on the grid thingie.  well, you have it supported on some places but not others so it's not level.  now put heavy things in there.  things that don't move.  you know, like a couch, bed, fridge and the like.  now put in things that do move.  mice would work!  it is a shoebox afterall.  so you have this heavy stuff and this moving stuff on an uneven and slightly shifting floor.  it's not good, not good at all.  then factor in the whole living in Florida thing and the fact that Hurricane season starts on the 1st.  yeah...  not good.  not good.  so we now have to get that taken care of.  it's a really good thing my hubby can do just about anything.  he's out there now, in the dark working on it.  he's got dedication.

not my actual house but gives an idea.

wanna know how we are affording these fixes?  well, some of it is coming from my fave GPT site for > free gift cards < , InstaGC.  you will never know how much I love that site.  I have already made more than $600 this year alone!  That's with having a hard end of pregnancy, baby in the Nicu then tending a newborn.  yeah, it's that good!  it's good, it's good!  you gotta check it out if you haven't already.

imaginary friends

I know, two posts in one day.  pure shock, eh?

I admit to being very child-like in many ways.  sadly one of those ways is counting on people more than they should be. 

I did that with my imaginary friends.  I let my guard down and formed them into a security blanket for myself.  I've slowly been realizing that it was a dumb move on my part.  little things here and little things there.

today my imaginary friends made me cry.
today my security blanket unraveled.
today I realized how stupid I can be.

now I get to pick up the pieces and figure out how to make a new security blanket for myself.  I will always hold the old one in my heart but I know it's not what I thought it was.  it was never meant to be.

reality is not my friend sometimes.

when did I move to the rainforest?

into every life a little rain must fall...
apparently I am now living in the rainforest.

I've got medical issues, both mine and dear family.  I've got financial issues.  I've got house issues.  I've even got vehicle issues now.

but know what?  I'm not gonna let it drown me.  I'll keep my chin up and carry on.  I will do as I have done.  I will worry some of course but I won't let it drown me.  I can rise above this  I will rise above this.  one day it will just be another memory and I will know I survived.  

for now I will sing and I will dance.  this too shall pass and I'm okay with that.

Country gal can survive!

I cleaned my kitchen with no running water.  yeah...  I rock.  I used stored bottled water from our hurricane supplies.  not expensive store bought stuff but water we'd put in bottles for cleaning and toilet flushing.  our well went out and we're learning to work around it as best we can.  we were able to get water from our relative neighbor but the hose blew out or something this afternoon and I needed the kitchen clean so I improvised.  yep...  I am rocking this whole country housewife thing.

Baby T joined the brood

I realized I was in such a funk that I never even got around to putting up a birth announcement on here or birth story.  cause really, we all know we love hearing about others pain and suffering.  so here goes...

baby T was born on March 3rd via a repeat C section.  she weighed 8lbs 14oz and was 19in long which made her my shortest baby.  my due date was March 15th so she was a little earlier than expected.  I was actually scheduled for my section on the 8th but she had other plans.
I'd been having contractions off and on for weeks.  March 2nd I was of course having them but something was a little different this time.  the area of my previous incision started to burn with the contractions.  so we went to the hossy.  get there and get checked and all that fun stuff.  a couple hours later my doc says to keep me and I'll have a section in the morning.  well okay then!  so hubby goes home and I lay there...  and lay there...  and for a change, I lay there s'more.  finally once the contractions got a good pattern, they gave me something to make me sleep.  so I took a nap.  I woke up a couple hours later then they started to get me ready for the section.  fast forward to who knows how many hours later (I was put to sleep for the section) and I wake up to my hubby telling me he's leaving.  okay, I didn't even know he was there.  so he leaves and back to sleep I go.  I had the hardest time coming out of the anesthesia.  it was bad.  I woke up one time to a nurse in the room checking on T.  I asked her if she was a girl and if she was okay.  I was told she was a girl and I went back to sleep.  some time later the nurse came and woke me to tell me they had to take T to the nursery because she couldn't control her blood sugar.  I still hadn't even seen her yet.  I asked if I could see her first.  the nurse wrapped her up and handed her to me for about three minutes.  then they were gone.  I got updates on her when I asked but otherwise I was there alone.  the next morning a nurse comes in and tells me that there's a problem.  T has thrown up and the did an xray or something on her and there was a blockage in her intestines.  they couldn't tell exactly what it was but it was something, more than they could handle at my hossy.  she needed to be transported to a hossy with a NICU.  the baby I hadn't even met yet really had something wrong and was being taken to another city.  joy.  the transport team brought her in to see me before they left though.  so my daughter who was just one day old I'd seen for all of about five minutes.  I was there alone.  later on that morning I got my IV taken out.  I hate those and get them out asap.  then they moved me to another room.  I still hadn't seen my doc yet.  well, I'd been in my new room for about 20 or so minutes when he showed up.  I told him I needed to leave.  he gave me that doctor look then checked my incision and said okay as long as I promised to take it easy.  sure thing doc!  now sign the paper, I'm outta here!  I was dressed in like five minutes (this is quite a feat for someone who has just had a c section!).  hubby showed up and off we went.  I walked out of the hossy.  yeah, I'm that kind of stubborn.  I told the tech there was no reason for me to be wheeled out, I wasn't carrying a baby.  she wasn't going to argue with me.  I mean really, how you gonna argue with a chick who is less than 36 hours out from having had a c section and is being discharged?  yeah, you're not.  it won't work, you won't win.  end of story.
so I go home.  without my baby.  she's down in the NICU still.  hubby went and saw her.  we called.  we were hoping to get her in a day or so since they cleared out her bowel obstruction the first day.  but that did not happen.  she finally came home on thursday afternoon.  I was so excited to finally meet and hold my baby!
it's not been the easiest road with her.  she does seem to still have some digestive issues but then again all of my children have issues with their digestive tract in one way or another.  one child it was horrid gas that required a script.  one had really bad reflux.  and on and on.  but she's here and she's okay.  and she's so, so perfect!  that picture was taken on May 3rd at two months old!

I think I may actually be back....

yes, it's been forever and a day.  so much has happened and frankly I just lost the urge to care about a lot of thing.  this blog was obviously one of the things that took a nose dive in importance.  here's a condensed version of what has gone one with me and mine...  not that I really think anyone cares, it's more a reminder to me. 

• my pregnancy got harder....
• my baby was born earlier than expected....
• my baby was in NICU for several days...  in another city....
• postpartum depression....
• family health issues....
• personal health issues....

okay, so I am gonna talk about that last one.  that's the reason I came here.  I need to talk and I don't want to bore my online groups of friends with it.  so I figured - hey, I have a blog that I rarely get visits to.  why not put it to use?  if people read it, great.  if not, I'm not doing this for anyone other than me right now.

so, my health.  yeah.  I hate the medical profession.  I always have and probably will always have at least a heavy measure of distrust in it.  that said.  there's something wrong with me.  I don't yet know what that is.  I don't honestly want to know.  I like being oblivious but I have five children and can't in good conscious do nothing anymore.  eleven years ago I would have happily put on my blinders and just gone on my merry way.  but it's not an option.   my hubby wants me to do something.  my friends want me to do something and they know only a small part of what I am dealing with.  my sister who knows nothing of what I deal with wants me to do something because of something that is going on with her.  so, I guess it's three strikes and I'm out...  I have to.

so if you've made it this far you are probably going something to the effect of what on earth is wrong?  well, here's the deal.  I've always had headaches.  as long as I can remember (which honestly isn't that far back but meh, we'll just go with all my life m'kay?).  I don't just get headaches.  I get migraines.  always in one temple, always.  well, those have gotten nearly daily.  some are worse than others but I almost always have a headache.  at present it'd be more notable if I didn't have a headache than me having a headache.  my insomnia is flaring back up.  you're serious you ask?  oh no....  I blog about my health at 5am for the fun of it!  yes, it's back.  I also keep losing words.  that's how I put it.  I'm sure that there's a better way to describe it but basically I can't recall a word when I want it.  even a simple word sometimes.  it's rather annoying to someone like me.  I worked very hard to get my vocabulary to where it is and to suddenly not be able to think up a word I used to use without a problem is saddening.  I've also found it very hard to deal with too many things at once.  more than one child needs me?  I shut down.  too many things happening at once?  I shut down.  things are too loud.  smells are too strong.  the feel of things on my skin is overly annoying.  and I'm tender.  like if I get bumped in my leg, it hurts.  I used to have an insane pain tolerance.  now I feel pain from my toddler climbing on my lap.  top all that off with the fact that I am a worried I may be well on my way to being a diabetic.  I had gestational diabetes.  I know that doesn't mean I have diabetes now but you have to understand my family history.  both of my parents had it.  it's actually what killed my mom.  let me guess?  but diabetes doesn't kill!  oh yes, yes it does.  when your blood sugar drops too low and there's nobody there to help you or get you help, yes, it kills.  but regardless.  I'm worried I have it or am at the very least borderline.

well, I'm done...  I don't want to keep talking.  my hands hurt (oh I didn't mention that...  my hands are dry to the point of cracking, bleeding and the skin just peeling off.  yes, it's incredibly painful.  especially since it's on three finger tips and the inside of my thumb) and I just want to stop.  I'm depressing myself.  so while I made this blog to be a fun place for me.  I think I'm turning it into my whine box.  I totally understand if you wanna unfollow it or whatever.  in the next week or so I plan on doing an overhaul of the blog.  so, if you stick around....  be on the lookout for what I'm up to with it!

counting down...

well, I now have a tentative date for when I'll be a mom to five.  it's both a relief to know when the end will be and a source of anxiety because I still am not thrilled with having another c section.  overall though it's a relief.  I feel pretty okay about the whole thing.  now I go into my mega planning mode.  I have only five short weeks to get everything done I need to get done!  how did it come down to only five weeks?  oy my vey! 

things I still need to do

• figure out what to pack
• pick an adorable coming home outfit even though it'll only be the fam to see it.  it has to be cute I tell you!
• buy diapers (nope, don't have a single diaper for her yet).
• plan out easy meals, perhaps even premake and freeze some.
• rearrange my room to fit the baby in
• set up the van for the carseat (this requires moving several children around)
• line up childcare for the other children for when I'm actually having the baby.  I'd like hubby to be there to be with her til I wake up and it'd be really hard to do with four kids in tow.
• find out about blood donation.  I needed a transfusion last time so I was hoping to find some people that love me enough to predonate some blood for me.

I'm sure there's more but I am overwhelming myself just making the list.  so now I'm going to pull out my handy notebook and make a bunch of lists.  lists help.  oh they do too....  if nothing else they're a good way to get out some of my nervous energy.

meatloaf

today I am being brave.  I am making meatloaf.  what?  you're looking at me like it's something people do every single day or something.  well, okay, maybe they do, but it's a new one on me. 
I have a small confession to make.  I'm not a very adept cook.  I can make some things.  I mean I make a mean pot of spaghetti, rocking homemade pizza, lasagna, tacos, quesadillas and even enchiladas.  when it comes to "real" food or the food that you'd think of as homestyle I am so not able to pull that off most of the time.  I've never made a roast or even a turkey (yes, we have lasagna for thanksgiving, don't hate).  sides in my house are generally not two veggies and bread.  sides are more along the lines of pickles, olives, fruit, beans, salad or fries.  I just never learned.  didn't really have anyone to teach me.
so here I am in my 30s learning to cook foods most people can do in their sleep.  it's interesting and I'm not real sure how the minions will take to it.  they happen to love tacos.  but variety is the spice of life, right?  okay, so that's probably one of those saying people have to defend themselves when they're being wishy washy about things but it's working for me in this instance.
I figure I'll make meatloaf this month.  don't go reminding me that the month is almost over...  at least I'm trying here!  then next month I'll make something else "that momma used to make."  not my momma, but that's what they say, right?  I can't remember what my momma made anymore.  I have a terrible memory about things and her cooking is not in my memory.  I mean obviously we had food so there had to be cooking going on kwim?  my ultimate plan is to do at least one "traditional" meal each month.  who knows, maybe I'll do it more often as I get more used to it.  for now though, I'm thinking once a month is a dandy way to start out.
now for a totally random video, well, okay not totally random since I AM talking about meatloaf here.  and yes, this version is the only decent version of the song.  no offense to that chick that did it too....

 

remakes

sometimes I think the remake of a song outshines the original.  not always, but there are times.  perhaps it has to do with generational changes.  who knows....  but here are a few remakes I prefer over the original.

Cake - I will survive

Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love

Weird Al - Fat
or any Weird Al pretty much....

not what I wanted to hear

I got another ultrasound yesterday.  my doc took pity on me basically and I got one so I could get a better guess at gender.  well, it was a good appt and a bad one.  the good was that the tech was really cool and worked really hard to get me some decent pics and a gender shot.  the last tech was less than professional and I got no pics that were identifiable as anything and she wouldn't even try for the gender, first saying the legs were tightly crossed then a minute later showing me the legs literally jumping / kicking up and down on my bladder.  but that is almost beside the point, eh?  so I got a good tech this time.  I know I'm having a girl.  it took some work to get her foot out of the way but after a while it happened.  I also got a good profile shot and a shot of the foot (of course).
 
so now for the bad.  I'm 32 weeks, will be 33 on Friday.  baby is transverse (aka laying sideways).  oh of course, your first thought is something along the lines of there being time and that the baby will turn and all that, right?  well, let's rewind a little over two years ago.  I had an ultrasound at about 32 weeks pregnant with my toddler.  you guessed it, he was transverse and yes, he did turn but not the way that we'd have liked.  he turned a lot after that.  he went breech, then transverse the other way then head down and then breech and so on and so forth til I finally went into labor with him 15 days after his due date.  when I went into labor I knew he was either breech or head down.  I was planning on having another unassisted home birth with him like I'd done with my third child.  many, many hours into labor I was ready to push but my water would not break.  I knew in my heart there was a problem so hubby went and got his mom (she lives two houses down) to come sit with the kids while I went to the hossy.  I knew then I was going to have to be sectioned but I held out hope.  we got there, they did a quick ultrasound and saw that he was breech.  my doc was going to let me deliver him breech since he was my 4th baby and I'd delivered a 9lb baby at home before him.  well, when he broke my water instead of a butt there was a foot, just one little foot.  that made it too risky to deliver him naturally so I got prepped for a c section.  the c section was a good and bad thing.  a natural birth would have most likely killed my son.  he had a true knot in his cord and was actually limp when born.  the section nearly killed me.  I bled way too much and ended up needing a transfusion.  even with that my doc said I was a good candidate for a vbac only the hossy here has banned them.  so that of course brought up the idea of a home vbac, which while insane to many people makes perfect sense to me.  until the ultrasound yesterday that is.  so now I have to mentally prep myself for the reality of another c section.  I cannot take the risk of the same thing happening again.  I know every labor is different but still.  I'm being realistic here.  as much as it pains me, this is what needs to happen.  

so for the next 7 weeks I will...

• pray
• prep
• breathe
• believe
• try to ignore

and then I'll go to the hossy, check in and pretend I'm okay.  I will pretend I'm not afraid I won't wake up.  I will pretend that this was something I wanted to do, not something I'm doing because there's no other option.  I will pretend that when I get released from the hossy I won't be all alone, recovering from a major surgery with five children.  doing this will turn me into an actress.  I just hope I can pull off the act.

it's one of those years

I know we're only 18 days into the "new year" but it's already one of those years.  I don't get days, I get months, seasons and years.  so far this year it seems like everything I try is failing.  the only thing I'm still doing good with is my GPT sites and that's more of a need to do than anything.  
I decided I wanted to crochet some preemie baby hats.  I have crocheted hundreds of hats.  I'm great at hats because they're so easy.   I have no tried it five times and each time it's just wrong and I have to pull them apart.  or in the case of the one I did yesterday that was actually pretty much right, my toddler grabbed and undid it before I could tie it off and weave it in.
my pregnancy is getting harder on my by the day.  I don't want to complain about it but this is by far the hardest pregnancy I have had yet.  top off the fact that it's a hard pregnancy with the fact that my hospital banned vbac so I'm now facing some hard choices for this delivery at 32 weeks pregnant.  fun times I tell you - NOT!
schooling the minions isn't going terribly well at the moment either.  I've got some serious pregnancy induced anxiety and it makes it very hard to do the harder schooling.  which means once the baby is here and the anxiety is gone (oh I hope and pray it is!) then I have to bust hiney to get them back on track and one of them was already behind. 

so basically that sums up why I've been so inactive around here.  I've been dealing with life, poorly I might add.  I'm ready to move on and not be a grump but that may have to wait a few months.