I think I may actually be back....

yes, it's been forever and a day.  so much has happened and frankly I just lost the urge to care about a lot of thing.  this blog was obviously one of the things that took a nose dive in importance.  here's a condensed version of what has gone one with me and mine...  not that I really think anyone cares, it's more a reminder to me. 

• my pregnancy got harder....
• my baby was born earlier than expected....
• my baby was in NICU for several days...  in another city....
• postpartum depression....
• family health issues....
• personal health issues....

okay, so I am gonna talk about that last one.  that's the reason I came here.  I need to talk and I don't want to bore my online groups of friends with it.  so I figured - hey, I have a blog that I rarely get visits to.  why not put it to use?  if people read it, great.  if not, I'm not doing this for anyone other than me right now.

so, my health.  yeah.  I hate the medical profession.  I always have and probably will always have at least a heavy measure of distrust in it.  that said.  there's something wrong with me.  I don't yet know what that is.  I don't honestly want to know.  I like being oblivious but I have five children and can't in good conscious do nothing anymore.  eleven years ago I would have happily put on my blinders and just gone on my merry way.  but it's not an option.   my hubby wants me to do something.  my friends want me to do something and they know only a small part of what I am dealing with.  my sister who knows nothing of what I deal with wants me to do something because of something that is going on with her.  so, I guess it's three strikes and I'm out...  I have to.

so if you've made it this far you are probably going something to the effect of what on earth is wrong?  well, here's the deal.  I've always had headaches.  as long as I can remember (which honestly isn't that far back but meh, we'll just go with all my life m'kay?).  I don't just get headaches.  I get migraines.  always in one temple, always.  well, those have gotten nearly daily.  some are worse than others but I almost always have a headache.  at present it'd be more notable if I didn't have a headache than me having a headache.  my insomnia is flaring back up.  you're serious you ask?  oh no....  I blog about my health at 5am for the fun of it!  yes, it's back.  I also keep losing words.  that's how I put it.  I'm sure that there's a better way to describe it but basically I can't recall a word when I want it.  even a simple word sometimes.  it's rather annoying to someone like me.  I worked very hard to get my vocabulary to where it is and to suddenly not be able to think up a word I used to use without a problem is saddening.  I've also found it very hard to deal with too many things at once.  more than one child needs me?  I shut down.  too many things happening at once?  I shut down.  things are too loud.  smells are too strong.  the feel of things on my skin is overly annoying.  and I'm tender.  like if I get bumped in my leg, it hurts.  I used to have an insane pain tolerance.  now I feel pain from my toddler climbing on my lap.  top all that off with the fact that I am a worried I may be well on my way to being a diabetic.  I had gestational diabetes.  I know that doesn't mean I have diabetes now but you have to understand my family history.  both of my parents had it.  it's actually what killed my mom.  let me guess?  but diabetes doesn't kill!  oh yes, yes it does.  when your blood sugar drops too low and there's nobody there to help you or get you help, yes, it kills.  but regardless.  I'm worried I have it or am at the very least borderline.

well, I'm done...  I don't want to keep talking.  my hands hurt (oh I didn't mention that...  my hands are dry to the point of cracking, bleeding and the skin just peeling off.  yes, it's incredibly painful.  especially since it's on three finger tips and the inside of my thumb) and I just want to stop.  I'm depressing myself.  so while I made this blog to be a fun place for me.  I think I'm turning it into my whine box.  I totally understand if you wanna unfollow it or whatever.  in the next week or so I plan on doing an overhaul of the blog.  so, if you stick around....  be on the lookout for what I'm up to with it!