not what I wanted to hear

I got another ultrasound yesterday.  my doc took pity on me basically and I got one so I could get a better guess at gender.  well, it was a good appt and a bad one.  the good was that the tech was really cool and worked really hard to get me some decent pics and a gender shot.  the last tech was less than professional and I got no pics that were identifiable as anything and she wouldn't even try for the gender, first saying the legs were tightly crossed then a minute later showing me the legs literally jumping / kicking up and down on my bladder.  but that is almost beside the point, eh?  so I got a good tech this time.  I know I'm having a girl.  it took some work to get her foot out of the way but after a while it happened.  I also got a good profile shot and a shot of the foot (of course).
 
so now for the bad.  I'm 32 weeks, will be 33 on Friday.  baby is transverse (aka laying sideways).  oh of course, your first thought is something along the lines of there being time and that the baby will turn and all that, right?  well, let's rewind a little over two years ago.  I had an ultrasound at about 32 weeks pregnant with my toddler.  you guessed it, he was transverse and yes, he did turn but not the way that we'd have liked.  he turned a lot after that.  he went breech, then transverse the other way then head down and then breech and so on and so forth til I finally went into labor with him 15 days after his due date.  when I went into labor I knew he was either breech or head down.  I was planning on having another unassisted home birth with him like I'd done with my third child.  many, many hours into labor I was ready to push but my water would not break.  I knew in my heart there was a problem so hubby went and got his mom (she lives two houses down) to come sit with the kids while I went to the hossy.  I knew then I was going to have to be sectioned but I held out hope.  we got there, they did a quick ultrasound and saw that he was breech.  my doc was going to let me deliver him breech since he was my 4th baby and I'd delivered a 9lb baby at home before him.  well, when he broke my water instead of a butt there was a foot, just one little foot.  that made it too risky to deliver him naturally so I got prepped for a c section.  the c section was a good and bad thing.  a natural birth would have most likely killed my son.  he had a true knot in his cord and was actually limp when born.  the section nearly killed me.  I bled way too much and ended up needing a transfusion.  even with that my doc said I was a good candidate for a vbac only the hossy here has banned them.  so that of course brought up the idea of a home vbac, which while insane to many people makes perfect sense to me.  until the ultrasound yesterday that is.  so now I have to mentally prep myself for the reality of another c section.  I cannot take the risk of the same thing happening again.  I know every labor is different but still.  I'm being realistic here.  as much as it pains me, this is what needs to happen.  

so for the next 7 weeks I will...

• pray
• prep
• breathe
• believe
• try to ignore

and then I'll go to the hossy, check in and pretend I'm okay.  I will pretend I'm not afraid I won't wake up.  I will pretend that this was something I wanted to do, not something I'm doing because there's no other option.  I will pretend that when I get released from the hossy I won't be all alone, recovering from a major surgery with five children.  doing this will turn me into an actress.  I just hope I can pull off the act.