counting down...

well, I now have a tentative date for when I'll be a mom to five.  it's both a relief to know when the end will be and a source of anxiety because I still am not thrilled with having another c section.  overall though it's a relief.  I feel pretty okay about the whole thing.  now I go into my mega planning mode.  I have only five short weeks to get everything done I need to get done!  how did it come down to only five weeks?  oy my vey! 

things I still need to do

• figure out what to pack
• pick an adorable coming home outfit even though it'll only be the fam to see it.  it has to be cute I tell you!
• buy diapers (nope, don't have a single diaper for her yet).
• plan out easy meals, perhaps even premake and freeze some.
• rearrange my room to fit the baby in
• set up the van for the carseat (this requires moving several children around)
• line up childcare for the other children for when I'm actually having the baby.  I'd like hubby to be there to be with her til I wake up and it'd be really hard to do with four kids in tow.
• find out about blood donation.  I needed a transfusion last time so I was hoping to find some people that love me enough to predonate some blood for me.

I'm sure there's more but I am overwhelming myself just making the list.  so now I'm going to pull out my handy notebook and make a bunch of lists.  lists help.  oh they do too....  if nothing else they're a good way to get out some of my nervous energy.

meatloaf

today I am being brave.  I am making meatloaf.  what?  you're looking at me like it's something people do every single day or something.  well, okay, maybe they do, but it's a new one on me. 
I have a small confession to make.  I'm not a very adept cook.  I can make some things.  I mean I make a mean pot of spaghetti, rocking homemade pizza, lasagna, tacos, quesadillas and even enchiladas.  when it comes to "real" food or the food that you'd think of as homestyle I am so not able to pull that off most of the time.  I've never made a roast or even a turkey (yes, we have lasagna for thanksgiving, don't hate).  sides in my house are generally not two veggies and bread.  sides are more along the lines of pickles, olives, fruit, beans, salad or fries.  I just never learned.  didn't really have anyone to teach me.
so here I am in my 30s learning to cook foods most people can do in their sleep.  it's interesting and I'm not real sure how the minions will take to it.  they happen to love tacos.  but variety is the spice of life, right?  okay, so that's probably one of those saying people have to defend themselves when they're being wishy washy about things but it's working for me in this instance.
I figure I'll make meatloaf this month.  don't go reminding me that the month is almost over...  at least I'm trying here!  then next month I'll make something else "that momma used to make."  not my momma, but that's what they say, right?  I can't remember what my momma made anymore.  I have a terrible memory about things and her cooking is not in my memory.  I mean obviously we had food so there had to be cooking going on kwim?  my ultimate plan is to do at least one "traditional" meal each month.  who knows, maybe I'll do it more often as I get more used to it.  for now though, I'm thinking once a month is a dandy way to start out.
now for a totally random video, well, okay not totally random since I AM talking about meatloaf here.  and yes, this version is the only decent version of the song.  no offense to that chick that did it too....

 

remakes

sometimes I think the remake of a song outshines the original.  not always, but there are times.  perhaps it has to do with generational changes.  who knows....  but here are a few remakes I prefer over the original.

Cake - I will survive

Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love

Weird Al - Fat
or any Weird Al pretty much....

not what I wanted to hear

I got another ultrasound yesterday.  my doc took pity on me basically and I got one so I could get a better guess at gender.  well, it was a good appt and a bad one.  the good was that the tech was really cool and worked really hard to get me some decent pics and a gender shot.  the last tech was less than professional and I got no pics that were identifiable as anything and she wouldn't even try for the gender, first saying the legs were tightly crossed then a minute later showing me the legs literally jumping / kicking up and down on my bladder.  but that is almost beside the point, eh?  so I got a good tech this time.  I know I'm having a girl.  it took some work to get her foot out of the way but after a while it happened.  I also got a good profile shot and a shot of the foot (of course).
 
so now for the bad.  I'm 32 weeks, will be 33 on Friday.  baby is transverse (aka laying sideways).  oh of course, your first thought is something along the lines of there being time and that the baby will turn and all that, right?  well, let's rewind a little over two years ago.  I had an ultrasound at about 32 weeks pregnant with my toddler.  you guessed it, he was transverse and yes, he did turn but not the way that we'd have liked.  he turned a lot after that.  he went breech, then transverse the other way then head down and then breech and so on and so forth til I finally went into labor with him 15 days after his due date.  when I went into labor I knew he was either breech or head down.  I was planning on having another unassisted home birth with him like I'd done with my third child.  many, many hours into labor I was ready to push but my water would not break.  I knew in my heart there was a problem so hubby went and got his mom (she lives two houses down) to come sit with the kids while I went to the hossy.  I knew then I was going to have to be sectioned but I held out hope.  we got there, they did a quick ultrasound and saw that he was breech.  my doc was going to let me deliver him breech since he was my 4th baby and I'd delivered a 9lb baby at home before him.  well, when he broke my water instead of a butt there was a foot, just one little foot.  that made it too risky to deliver him naturally so I got prepped for a c section.  the c section was a good and bad thing.  a natural birth would have most likely killed my son.  he had a true knot in his cord and was actually limp when born.  the section nearly killed me.  I bled way too much and ended up needing a transfusion.  even with that my doc said I was a good candidate for a vbac only the hossy here has banned them.  so that of course brought up the idea of a home vbac, which while insane to many people makes perfect sense to me.  until the ultrasound yesterday that is.  so now I have to mentally prep myself for the reality of another c section.  I cannot take the risk of the same thing happening again.  I know every labor is different but still.  I'm being realistic here.  as much as it pains me, this is what needs to happen.  

so for the next 7 weeks I will...

• pray
• prep
• breathe
• believe
• try to ignore

and then I'll go to the hossy, check in and pretend I'm okay.  I will pretend I'm not afraid I won't wake up.  I will pretend that this was something I wanted to do, not something I'm doing because there's no other option.  I will pretend that when I get released from the hossy I won't be all alone, recovering from a major surgery with five children.  doing this will turn me into an actress.  I just hope I can pull off the act.

it's one of those years

I know we're only 18 days into the "new year" but it's already one of those years.  I don't get days, I get months, seasons and years.  so far this year it seems like everything I try is failing.  the only thing I'm still doing good with is my GPT sites and that's more of a need to do than anything.  
I decided I wanted to crochet some preemie baby hats.  I have crocheted hundreds of hats.  I'm great at hats because they're so easy.   I have no tried it five times and each time it's just wrong and I have to pull them apart.  or in the case of the one I did yesterday that was actually pretty much right, my toddler grabbed and undid it before I could tie it off and weave it in.
my pregnancy is getting harder on my by the day.  I don't want to complain about it but this is by far the hardest pregnancy I have had yet.  top off the fact that it's a hard pregnancy with the fact that my hospital banned vbac so I'm now facing some hard choices for this delivery at 32 weeks pregnant.  fun times I tell you - NOT!
schooling the minions isn't going terribly well at the moment either.  I've got some serious pregnancy induced anxiety and it makes it very hard to do the harder schooling.  which means once the baby is here and the anxiety is gone (oh I hope and pray it is!) then I have to bust hiney to get them back on track and one of them was already behind. 

so basically that sums up why I've been so inactive around here.  I've been dealing with life, poorly I might add.  I'm ready to move on and not be a grump but that may have to wait a few months.